im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
