I am in a vortex of obligation.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
