I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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