New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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