found the other keg... it's in the tree
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
