Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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