Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
