A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
