im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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