like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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