does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
