U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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