...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
