Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
