i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
