I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
