I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
