Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
