don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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