No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
