my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's just like the Real World with babies
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
