yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
