I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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