I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have tasted many bathrooms
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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