I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
