I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
