I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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