She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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