Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
