I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
