Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
