I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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