i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
