Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
