all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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