she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
