I'm eating all of the evidence.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
