it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
