Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
