i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
