Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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