Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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