Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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