Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
