Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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