i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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