a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
