I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
