I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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