If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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