i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
