Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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